4 minutes ago
❗❗ Possibly Triggering, consider yourself warned ❗❗
Will I ever be sick enough for recovery? How much more do I have to loose until the voice becomes quiet?
I want to be less and less and still a little bit less. I want to disappear, want to quietly fade away. I have to weigh less because the weight of the world is already too much on my shoulders and I can't bear to carry myself any longer. I want my body to become as dead as my mind already is. The hunger makes me proud, makes me feel strong because I can resist, I can go that little bit further until I have to eat again. My body feels too much, like I take up too much space, more than I deserve anyway. I only feel pretty when I'm starving myself. The cold and the pain and the dizziness are negligible compared to the satisfaction of allowing myself to eat after a day of fasting. But I found my peace, I am not worth saving.
Sometimes I do wonder what price I have to pay. The hardest part is knowing that my loved ones worry. How painful must it be for them to see me fade away? How helpless must they feel, watching my slow death? I can't even imagine. And I am sorry. It makes me want to run away, makes me want to hide. A place where I can be a stranger, where no one would care if one day I'd be found dead. Maybe on the coast, having watched one last sunrise.
Will I ever run away? Probably not. I am neither weak enough nor strong enough to do that. Because I care too much. It pains my heart to hurt my friends, my family. So even if I can't do this for myself, I should do it for them. I should. Why don't I? I am scared and I hate to admit that.
I am so scared, my mind screams in agony at the thought of gaining weight, of being whole again. I hate who I was before, I could not stand to be that person again. I do this because I am desperate to be someone else, someone better, someone worthy of life. But I am afraid I have lost myself on the way down. Wasn't that what I wanted? To get rid of me? ⬇⬇ continued in the comments ⬇⬇